“Never complain”

I want to talk some the idea of “never complaining” particularly in the context of long-term illness and/or disability.

We come across this a lot, in media, on social media, amongst our friends and family, and even, in our own minds. The idea that we shouldn’t complain “too much”.

I’ve been struck recently about how, when we see stories of those who live with a long-term illness or disability, or share those stories ourselves, someone always says, as a compliment that this person “never complains”, the idea being that they endure so much pain and suffering, but never (or hardly ever) mention it, get on with life ‘with a smile’ and “grin and bear it”.

This is as true, if not more so, of the disabled community than wider society, perhaps because we want to avoid the “pity parties” and want people to know and understand that our lives are as worth living as everyone else’s, that we are able to live a full and fulfilled life, sometimes because of, not just in spite of, our disabilities. I wholeheartedly relate to wanting to avoid the pity of those who are able-bodied, and fully endorse that our lives are “as worth living as everyone else’s” and that we can and do live full and fulfilled lives both because of, and in spite of, our disabilities. BUT… and it’s a big but…

All this isn’t to say that we aren’t suffering, that we don’t need to be able to name that suffering, and yes, complain about it, as frequently as we feel it. Absolutely we cannot, and do not wish to become mired in grief of “what could have been”, or become so preoccupied with our pain and difficulties that functioning in daily life becomes almost impossible. We also recognise that all those who love us want us to be better, to not be in pain, to not suffer. However, for all that longing, making us hide our pain and pretend we are “OK” when we are not only amplifies our suffering. It leaves us isolated, lonely and guilty, desperate for comfort, but not knowing who we can turn to for comfort.

So, when a friend or family member mentions that they are in pain or suffering, listen. Love them. Hold them. Pray for them and with them. However often it happens, however long it takes (even if it never stops). If they ‘complain’ about the lack of answers, particularly when  medical tests come back ‘normal’, empathise. And never, ever tell them they are complaining too much.

I’ve recently been much more ill than I have before. Many of my friends have been supporting me, praying for me and loving me, and I’m very thankful. There’s one friend though, that I’m particularly thankful for. She has put up with me messaging her almost daily, and usually not very positively, I often feel like I’m moaning and complaining. This friend has repeatedly assured me that she would always want me to be honest about how I am feeling. I still struggle with this, and feel like I might be being a burden, but that’s anxieties triggered by the attitude of wider society, which celebrates those who “never complain” and grumbles about those who are honest.

Can we try to change this, together? Instead of saying of a friend who has endured much suffering “they never complain”, let’s instead celebrate honesty, perseverance and compassion for others’ suffering, even as they are openly suffering themselves.